why are things so difficult in our lives...anything that seems good usually isn't...and if in fact you come by something that is, its mutilated and ruined in front of your face. i dont get it.

ive realized that i have a knack for usually typing things that are slightly confusing on my blog...im not sure why..mostly because of the state im in and the secrecy i want and yet i want to blurt it out to the world..so this feels like that place. i get to keep my own personal feelings to myself however im telling the whole population my darkest endearing thoughts. its very unnatural and very negative and yet my thoughts are mine and  mine alone..

 i cant help but recall instances of my childhood and feel as if i was dramatically affected by them. and its weird that lately ive been thinking more and more of this so called childhood and wishing that that girl had never left me. that weird little girl. the one who had a sheepdog as a best friend and truly and whole-heartedly believed she could fly if only she wished hard enough. The weird little girl that swore her dad was a knight and wanted so much to  just talk to animals. that weird little girl that had no clue what was in store for her. the little girl that was oblivious to failure and heart ache. that little girl. i wish i were that little girl that i knew way back in the day. i miss that little girl so much. i miss her.

but ive come to realize that i wonder a lot whether if certain things had not occured in my childhood  i might possibly still be that wide-eyed girl. i was once convinced that there was magic in everything that i wanted and wished for. convinced that everything was a comfortable safe place that i could just relax in. a place where i could take off my shoes and feel the mud seep between my toes. a place that was a home and not just a house full of long gone hopes and memories i find myself wanting to forget. lately ive just been burdening myself with self-analyzation and continuous relapse of my decisions ive made and how ive gotten to become the girl that you see before you. im not sure if this is what people go through when they are becoming seniors or graduating, getting married or having a child, moving to a new home or maybe experiencing death itself. does everyone have flashbacks of their life? do they find themselves analyzing each peice of the puzzle trying to figure out how they all work together to form what you have before you now. im not sure. but i do think that a lot of my cloudy thoughts and mixed emotions happen to be outcomes of specific childhood events...im not trying to put the blame elsewhere. but haven't you ever thought "well, if this had never happened, then i may be ___?" or maybe "if only i had that chance, maybe i'd be ____" overall i like myself....i know every peice of my puzzle but i often choose not to share them with others. sometimes i feel as if people dont truly understand me and my actions because of me not sharing...being misunderstood or be too understood. which is worse? better? i like to feel secretive and mysterious, or is it that i feel vulnerable when people know everything there is to know? once again, im not too sure.

im not too sure why ive just wasted your time which this somewhat contemplative blog however...thoughts lke these have dawned on me quite some time ago and havent quite left...who knows. maybe ive resolved this whole thing just by re-evaluating it...perhaps...but perhaps not....either way i feel good now.

Im one confused duckling if you ask me.

seriously how does ANYBODY know the difference between infatuation and honest to god feelings. seriously.

ive noticed that my emotions toward men are very predictable. if they give me attention then i've realized that i like them in return....he's so amazing and sweet. he compliments me so much as if he's being entirely honest. and i appreciate that A LOT. i really do. because no matter how independet and head strong i seem to everyone. on the inside im screaming in terror and shuddering in  my boots. im scared as hell. 

and i am deathly afraid of being alone forever. yes im just a dumb 17 year old girl. however, despite how unsocial i act i really just want all eyes on me as much as possible. if thats messed up..then that sucks because that's the way i feel..i cant change it.

but in general he seems to appreciate me...and WHAT girl doesn't want that? but im a terrible girlfriend..ive learned this. i have high standards when it comes to some stuff. and when they aren't reached i get really angry at them. and that's not good. he says that it doesn't matter that he can handle himself. he's used to it and its okay. BUT ITS NOT! its not at all. he shouldn't have to protect himself from a girlfriend. you know? but we've been simply messing around i guess. he brings up going out often. but id rather just be "friends with benefits" because if anyhting does happen that i dont like i KNOW i can't get mad at him, because i dont have the right to. like smoking or dropping out. if we're just friends fooling around then i have no say and i have no right to be upset. but if we go out i know they'd be HUGE problems at some point....

i care about him too much to put him through my shit....but i dont want to tell him i care about him. he knows it. but i think if i tell him he'd get his hopes up. ugggg.....dumb silly wonderful boys.  

Within the next four months i, myself, will be a full fledge senior...yes. finally throughout my school career i am reaching retirement, and im not sure what to do....seriously.  and so far i have come to realize that i have NO CLUE what im doing. i dont know how to take care of myself. i've never even gone to a doctor's appointment by myself. i can't control spending money when i have it in my pocket. and i still dont have my driver's license. 

so what makes me think that i have it in me to make it? i dont have a single clue.

I have plans for myself but im not sure how ill ever follow them through.

within the next 15 years i want to.......

-visit Italy with my friends before we all leave eachother.
-get into either Penn State/Gannon Un./or Pittsburgh Vet Tech.(whichever will except me)
-study abroad in Australia
-i want to continue to spin throughout college
-perform a suspention. 
               *you know the thing where they stick hooks in your back and you just hang there. i think it'd be one of those things       that I'd never ever forget. the Native Americans were SUPER religous and such and they did these things for a way to be closer to god. why can't I?
-Get a Doctorite in Veterinary Medicine and/or Zoo Biology within 6-8 years of college
-i want to join the Peace Corps. and actually help someone. someone who really needs help.
              *actually it shocked me the other day when justina said that she was looking into that kind of stuff. i think its really cool.
-i want to start an animal reserve. 
              *im not sure what kind, but i really want to. i think it'd be really neat, but at the same time there's that whole issue of funding and such. its practically impossible.
-make it into a world class guard, and be realllllllly good at it. 
             *i don't want to quit after high school or college. i want to end up being some 75 year old. spinning her flabby ass off.



I'm really not quit sure if any of this is even possible. but i think it'd be awesome to accomplish this stuff. its just stuff that i really want to do. but as i look at my surroundings day by day i can notice that my hope weakens. i mean people seem to grow up here, and here the stay. i see my parents, they HATE what they do. but they do it despite the fact that they dont think they have any options. my brothers dont have any drive in them whatsoever. and they appear to do the exact same thing day after day. and i dont want that. at all. but who does?! nobody grows up saying that they hate evry morning they wake up. and every day feels the the one before it. never looking forward to anything but death. i DONT want that. but like i just said, nobody does.

 so what makes me any different? do i in fact possess more drive than i think i do? am i leader not a follower? am i just luckier than the average joe schmo? is there nothing different? am i doomed to the fate of my parents as they were to their parents and the people before them? im just so confused on this whole subject.  what is makes some rich guy and a hobo so different? luck? leadership? drive?......nothing? is our government the same as the medieval times. sub-conciously are we taking the same roles as our fathers and grandfathers. only acheiving so much in our lives. im not sure.